I get angry with my body for not working like it biologically should. I get angry that my husband and I haven't been blessed with a tiny itty bitty baby to call our own, and to love so unconditionally it hurts. I get angry that my husband can't really understand how hard it is to be the reason we don't have a baby yet. I get angry about every past second I've spent not caring about my health or my body, and how in the past, I've eaten whatever I wanted and never exercised, and that has put me at a much higher weight, and influenced my lack of fertility.
And I try not to dwell, I lurk on pinterest and try to find inspiration to push me along my struggle. I try to help myself feel better about it. And it's hard, but here is a bit of what I found:
And I'm very willing to struggle for a baby.
And I trust that my struggle will make me stronger,
and a much better mother, eventually, for my baybay.
It will be worth it, everything: the money, and the doctor's appointments,
and the feelings of inadequecy,
when we finally get to that point in our struggle
where the product of our struggle will smile back at us
with crazy unconditional love.
And I won't give up. Not ever.
On having what I've always dreamed about -
a big family with the man I love.
So, like I said, I get extremely angry about our struggle, but then I think about it, about struggling and strife. About how it makes you stronger, and better. In the long run, it will make you happier.
And struggling to have a baby might be the best thing to ever happen to us, because when we find out that we're pregnant, there is nothing in this world that will stop us from jumping up and down and yelling from the mountains that finally, finally, FINALLY we're going to have a baby.
And I can't wait.