Tuesday, October 9, 2012


I think a lot of the reason I don't blog frequently
is because I'm a mostly negative person.

I don't see the silver lining in situations,
I see a rain cloud,
and expect the worst.

So when I try to put my fingers to my keyboard,
I worry about bringing people down.

And that's not what I want.
I don't want to bring anyone down;
I want to make others feel inspired, and happy, and smile,
and feel sunshine-y warm when they read what I've written,
and connect with me on a deeper level,
so I stand back, away from my blog,
and try to think of what I have to offer
if I can't offer an upbeat post about
how happy I am with my life.

But today it hit me that my blog doesn't have to be sunshine,
and rainbows all the time. It can also be rain clouds.

All it has to be honest.
That's all I personally require of it.

So today (and from now on)
I just want to write and be honest.

I hope that's okay.

So here goes;
I'm still baffled every. single. day.
by the fact that we're still trying for a baby,
after more than two years.

I've known that I wanted a bunch of kids,
a giant family,
since I was fourteen.
After spending a whole summer watching Little House on the Prairie
and dreaming about what my family would look like,
and where I would raise my children,
and who I'd raise my children with.

Being a mother is my biggest dream; my strongest instinct.

And yet, it's become an inconceivable (get it?) task,
this impossible feat,
this crying at work and home and everywhere,
marking calendars,
trying, trying, trying thing.

To the point of exhaustion,
to wanting to give up forever,
because it's so disappointing
every month to hear the universe
(and a home pregnant test) screaming
a big fat NO.

But then I imagine my husband as a dad,
and it hits me that this month could be it,

the month we stop trying,
the beginning of a great adventure,
"the world is ours for the taking!" optimism,
and an unending pair of smiles,

or it could just be another month
that we spent trying and ultimately, failing.


  1. People glorify optimism and I don't get why. I am a pessimist and proud of it. I plan for the worst and hope for the best. You don't owe the world smiles and rainbows. The best part of sharing your thoughts is that it is YOUR thoughts. I stopped by your blog from your comment of Gussy Sews today. Your comment hit home with me. "My biggest problem is feeling inadequate. And setting realistic goals. Oy vey. I think I just don’t know where to start. I’m too focused on the end to see the beginning." I could not have said it better myself. For two years I have wanted to start my own business. I don't because I feel inadequate, not "good enough". Last week I gave myself a (reverse) New Years resolution - To start my business by January 1st. I challenge you to do the same. I don't know if pregnancy will happen to you anytime soon (I hope it does). But you should start your business even just as a way to take control of something and forget a little how vulnerable trying can be.

    1. The sad thing is, I already have my shop open and kiiiiiind of stocked. I just need to work on networking, advertising, and blogging regularly about my product and my life and everything else, really. I just need to be more of a person with a shop than a shop with my name attached to it, ya know?

      And January 1st sounds like a great plan. I think maybe I'll accept your challenge and instead of "start my business", I'll go with "stock & advertise my business better" by January 1st.

      Thank you for your kind words about being a pessimist.